I've been progressing lately.

Another blowing up over a failed relationship led me to consider that it's not the girls that are the problem - it's me. I held people around me to a very high par - one that I've set for myself, one even I can't always follow - and I held them in disrespect, thinking with selfishness that they owe me much, and because they didn't give me anything I wanted from them, I resented them. I was entitled.

There's a lot I don't know or understand about people. That doesn't mean I get to slack off learning what it's like to communicate constructively - or to make someone's life more miserable. It's difficult to do, as Russian culture seems to aim for self-seclusion, lack of curiousity and openness, all of which I charge with too much for my liking.

Switched to a new, protein-high diet, and cut out all the junk food. Slowly getting used to using the energy more effectively. Hunger is more often than I'm used to, but it's also weaker, so I don't feel as much discomfort from it. Because of the lower energy supply, I'm becoming more conscious about when and how much I eat. Background headaches don't bother me: they may be an accumulation of both less sleep (changing my sleep pattern slowly) and less energy from food, and in the end, it's going to be worth it. I will, of course, be careful with the changes.

A surprising part of the change is both how little I can do with and how expensive some healthy things are. A 140-gram pack of mixed nuts - cashew, peanutes, almonds, Brazil nuts - costed me a bit more than 200 rubles (~$3.15). On the other hand, a 12-meal pack of buckwheat is just 50 rubles (~$0.79), and a nice pack of bananas is about 70 rubles (~$1.10). If I put more effort into cooking, I can actually settle a week's worth of varied food for less than a thousand rubles (~$15.75), which is a third of my lofty weekly allowance.

Alan Watts' invocation about choices and how there are no mistakes, only things we do, resonated with me greatly. My anxious worries about things disappeared as soon as they've started today, and it feels amazing.