As much as I'd like to complain about the lost today, things are moving forward for me.

I started caring about my health. I used not to because it made me a victim and, therefore, I could complain about how bad I have it and receive pity which, as far as I was concerned, was as good as any kind of caring. I'm still moving past the barrier of "I kinda wanna do this, but, you know", but it's a progress, and I appreciate it.

I'm making stuff happen in my life, as well. I enjoy web programming - and web game programming, in particular - very much, and I've been making some games in the background. By the way, Weaver is not abandoned: it's been transformed into something cooler which I'm working on right now.

I've almost finished The Words Game, and when it's done, I can ship it to the Web as well as to smartphones so everyone could enjoy it. The rules are simple: you have a word, and you have to explain it to your team without using the word itself (or, in some versions, related taboo words: for example, "space", "living" and "floor" might be the taboo words for "house") for a point; the team with most points by the end of the game wins. It's a simple game, but it's been fun to play in our Language Practice classes, so I thought I'd make it easier to play, especially for the next year's freshmen.

No Man's Sky's tool/weapon-building system blew my mind, so I want to build something like it from the web tools now. Some other games are also moving forward slowly.

I don't know why yet, but I think the way I feel right now - somewhat apathetic and less energetic than by the time I arrived or last study year's moving out - is connected to figuring stuff out and making things move. It took me three days to force myself to make the first meal in the place, but I did it, which means I'll have less trouble making the next one. I'm still freaking out about making something with mushrooms, but... I guess I'll get there.

I feel a bit disconnected from everything that's happening around me and in my life, which may be a mental defence I'm employing to shield myself from the stress I'm feeling. The apartment's a mess after all the shit my parents brought over. I still spend a ton of money on take-out food, sweets and drinks because I'm terrified of and have no energy for cooking. The bedbug anxiety still lingers because the bites haven't gone away yet. Maybe something else.

elizabeth told me when I last talked about similar experiences last study year that I'm just overwhelmed and should take a step back. Should would be right again if she told me about it now. The problem is that it's hard to bring myself to relax at times like these; it is as if I feel, in my subconscious mind, that I should suffer like I do. It's a relict of the system of values I'm moving away from, where I wasn't worthy of good things. It's a slow process, but it's moving.