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But... didn't you see the Celtic-themed engraved knobs on the $12k reel-to-reel player? Those have got to be... at least... what, $39 each?

That's value, right there.

And, man, I have been the recipient of several of your more epic writing adventures - I still have The Rise of the Machines from what, 10 years ago? - and I do love your writing. It's like McSweeney's and The Best Page In The Universe went and found Hunter S Thompson's stash and went marauding with a megaphone and a film crew in a suburban shopping mall. Love it.