Thanks for the suggestions. Huxley really is this sort of phenomenal thinker, who was able to reach into practically every aspect of life. Asimov has a similar impact on my life, his works about math and astronomy get deeply into combining science with the reverent awe once reserved for God.

Like you, I was once drawn towards militant atheism, but it ended up being just too much work. If I was going to escape religion, I sure didn't want to be stuck upholding dogmas or caring about there not being a God. I just wanted to do my own thing.

I'll check out the DMT book. Even when I thought so would be a straight-edge, I knew I'd try ayahuaska if I had the chance, and I still will.

I've read Nietzsche, Meditations, and some of Dusty. I like the concept of a non-deistic sense of morality, and Nietzsche especially seemed to be able to look at what I would say is a more basal human and their philosophy.

My own journey to this point has been rather twisted. I was baptized into a Presbyterian church, but started having doubts by the time I was ten, especially in regards to the divinity of Christ. From the time I was 12 to 15, I messed around with religion and spirituality a ton. Off the top of my head, I can remember druidic, Baha'i, Shinto, Daoist, Erisian, Asatru, Hindu, and Ortiental Orhtodox phases. I changed religion practically every month. Buddhism though had a profound effect on me, and it's basic roots (largely the 4 Noble Truths) form a large part of my understanding of the world today.

By the time I started high school though, after a cross-country move, my spiritual and emotional life were in shambles. I was paranoid, thinking that really the move had just been part of an experiment of my life. I now blame a lot of the more New Age stuff I had gotten into for that, along with obvious environmental factors. Through journaling, I managed to move on from that place emotionally, and stopped really caring about religion.

I didn't identify as atheist because it wasn't so much that I didn't believe in God as I didn't care if God existed or not. I wasn't going to let that affect how I lived. Think of it as a sort of collary to Pascal's Wager- by that point, I was going to Hell anyway, so why bother with God? Last year, I started experimenting with sensory deprivation and active imagination, and began to record my experiences in a journal I call the Blue Book after Jung's Liber Novus, or Red Book.

Recently though, my life became just chaotic enough for me to try praying again, remembering the comfort and peace it once brought me. This time, I wasn't praying to God for help though. It was more like praying to myself, admitting my sins, focusing on my goals, and praying to myself for the help I needed. Now, the God I approach doesn't live in the corner of the ceiling, but in the darkest regions of my mind. I also began to experiment with psychoactives, and continued my work in the Blue Book. The most recent development is my use of a dreammachine.

The experience that really brought me here was my first real session. After maybe five minutes, I felt a sort of wave of relief, and compassion come over me. Looking back, it sounds rather ridiculous, but I also felt (and acted on) an urge to talk gibberish, in tongues. Luckily, that ended, but I've been feeling that peace and compassion intermittently since then, which has prompted me to look at this further.

I don't know if you needed or wanted the whole story, but I haven't told it linearly in one go ever, and typing it out has helped me use notice some of the broader trends and conditions.