HOW IT WORKS: Hollywood awards

Contrary to popular opinion the Emmys and the Oscars are not controlled by The Man, The Illuminati, The Big Five Studios or any other real or fictitious organization. They're controlled by the voting, credentialed members of those trades covered by the Master Collective Bargaining Agreement. This means SAG/Aftra, IATSE, the Teamsters, The Director's Guild, the Producer's Guild, the Screenwriter's Guild, the Animation Guild and any other trade that qualifies as "union" within Hollywood.

Voting members tend to be old. If they're old, they're probably white. If they're old and white in Hollywood, they're probably liberal. Liberal or not, though, they're still old. Thus, CRASH gets an Oscar, Brokeback Mountain doesn't. Meryl Streep will always win, Martin Scorcese won't.

These are not studio heads. These are not Will Smith and Angelina Jolie. I mean, they are... but they're anybody vested in their Union pension. Know how the VMAs are "whatever the tweens want this year?" The Oscars and Emmys are "whatever those who are simultaneously members of AARP and SAG want this year." Yes, Abe Vigoda gets to vote. So does that actor you see in commercials every other year. Better yet, they get to nominate.

Keep in mind - an Oscar is worth about $82m for any film that wins one. That makes the stakes rather high, despite the prom-queen-like nature of the contest. As such, campaigning dominates all press for about six months of the year. Do you have billboards in your neighborhood that are titled "For Your Consideration" followed by some movie? I do. Are your trade journals half-full of exhortations to nominate this that or the other film in the following fifteen categories? Mine are. Do you get unsolicited junk mail from studios inviting you to a special VIP screening of some film or other so that they can get it under the wire for a nomination that year? I do.

To a certain extent, election results do indicate the "will of the people." To a certain extent, election results more accurately reflect the will of the people who give enough of a shit to go cast a ballot that day if it isn't raining and if they remember to bother and if they didn't leave their absentee ballot in the car. But keep in mind - to vote conscientiously for a candidate, you need to have at least watched a debate or read a position piece or scanned a dossier. To vote conscientiously from among five Best Picture candidates, you need to watch five movies. On that DVD player they gave you, or through that app they made you download, or at that screening that you didn't go to because you didn't want to pay $18 for parking even if the popcorn was free.

And keep in mind - these are hollywood professionals we're talking about. They're the ones that didn't want to get a real job but were too smart to run off and join the circus. They are not like the people you share a cubicle farm with. They do not feel the same drive of conformity that you do. They tell dirty, sexist jokes and stay out of Compton even though it's quite a genteel and friendly neighborhood these days.

So really - being mad about Hollywood awards shows is functionally the same as being mad about your Aunt Edna's taste in television. Yeah, you can do that... but trying to draw strategy parallels out of it only makes you look foolish.

At least, to those of us who have learned to say "industry" six times as we walk around the mall to keep from being huckstered into yet another test screening.