Probably beginning to come out of my depression was a big one, though I don't know if I can attribute it to any one moment. Mindfulness, counseling, and a roof rack for kayaks ended up doing wonders for me, and I've retaken some very valuable, productive and healthy mindspace from my personal demons. A large part of what allows me to feel a little bit better about my still admittedly poor long term career/life prospects are as follows.

1. I will die someday, and I have 0 control over when that will be. Therefore I should live my life in such a way as to maximize the value of my time alive.

2. I consider a life well spent if it included a good mix of work vs. play, and action to improve the lives of others. I should therefore first pursue careers which I would find fulfilling(Would directly benefit the lives of others), and would pay well.

3. Contrary to my own opinions, I am a person of value. I have positive and negative traits, and so far, the positive outweigh the negative in the minds of those whose opinions I value. (What does that say that I don't value my own that much now??) So, through the lens of others who appreciate me, I can like myself, at least a little bit, for trying to do the things that I want to do, after having been through the life events I have.

4. I do not have to 'earn my right to exist.' This one took some digging. I am an expensive person. I had my first open heart surgery at age 11, my first pacemaker placed at 14, second at 19, and innumerable visits to the cardiologist, electrophysiologist, pediatric cardiologist, pediatric electrophysiologist, genetic counselor, geneticist, etc. I've seen the bills. A very large dollar value has been attached to the value of my life, and a large part of my issues with self-hate and feelings of worthlessness have come from this unbalanced ledger. Rationally, I know that this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but at a level I cannot shake completely (yet) I feel indebted.