Probably the day I checked into emergency and realized the multi week fever I had was not the result of a flu or the common cold, but the result of an extreme case of severe aplastic anemia. And had I chose to 'sleep it off' one or two more days like I planned to, I probably would have died in my sleep. I'm still recovering, not cured, but stable.

It made me realize that I'm not afraid of death. When the doctors were diagnosing me it took a few weeks to come to a conclusion. On my first night in emergency they told me it could be Leukaemia. I was waiting for the shock to wear off, but it never came. I wasn't in shock. I was annoyed. That this circumstance it going to be a ball and chain on my existence. Just a privileged reaction, far from noble. Being in Canada with paid health care and all.

It's been a few years. I can't really place it. There has been a big shift, but I don't know what. It's kind of like how we can't recognize definitive fashion eras, or pop music tastes until 10-15 years later. Petty things don't matter. Big things don't matter. I speak more frankly about my opinions. Maybe that would have happened regardless of this event. The only things I care about is people I'm close to and family. But there is always a voice in the back of my head saying that we're all no more complex than some hyperactive bacteria in a petri dish, and when we perish it was all for nothing.