Privacy and guilt together, really. I don't want them to worry about it. They have their own problems, and this isn't something I'm incapable of dealing with. I think they noticed something different about me growing up, but I quickly found out how weird the disorder made me from talking to the other kids. I told my girlfriend because - unlike my parents at this stage - I'm building a life with her. She deserves to know.

Intrusive thoughts barrage my mind when I've not prepared myself. The volume of thoughts I can have during those times is overwhelming, and it almost serves to brainwash me into believing the scenes I see in my intrusive thoughts are what I want. "Why else would I imagine them so frequently? Why can't I think of something normal? Is that going to happen? Am I going to make it happen? I'm not getting the ritual right this time. I must subliminally want this..." It erodes the good parts of my personality until I can rebuild myself mentally.

And I love Ender's Game and Ender's Shadow. I read them as a kid. I'll put Xenocide on the list though. Thanks for the recommendation!