1) Brine the day before, ideally 24 hours worth. Makeup of brine is irrelevant, so long as it's salty. Alton Brown has an extremely precious brine that will cost you - I shit you not - $20. It is not substantially better than rock salt and allspice.

2) Gourmet Magazine tested the fuck out of how to roast a turkey back in 2002.

3) I usually hit it hot and baste it with wine every half hour. Well, not wine. The honey mead my wife made back in 2007. Then when there's enough pan juices baste with that. I crank it back to time things to make the meal right. Because my sister is usually 2 or more hours late.

4) YOU DO NOT NEED ELEVEN SIDES. YOU DO NOT NEED ELEVEN SIDES. YOU DO NOT NEED ELEVEN SIDES. We do stuffing, potatoes, squash, that horrific green bean nightmare because my f'ing brother in law, brussels sprouts and two forms of cranberry (my relish, which is eerily similar to OftenBen's, because it comes off the back of the Ocean Spray bag, and my wife's family's "air quotes salad" which I may describe if there's interest.

5) Mull some wine. Best wine to mull? Manischewitz. I shit you not. Go for the blackberry. It's f'ing delicious.

(note that 3 and 5 contribute to an awesome smelling house)

6) YOU DO NOT NEED NINE DESSERTS. We make Pumpkin Yahoo* and whatever my mother-in-law demands. Which is usually pumpkin pie. Which she insists her husband will eat. But he's too busy eating Yahoo.* Not just because she left the sugar out of the mix. again.

7) Take a walk, throw a football, anything between turkey and dessert. This is where living a mile from the beach has its advantages.

We've got a Spanish Black for the 5th year running. It matters. It's too late this year, though. We ordered ours months ago, and it's the biggest of the 150 our farm raised. Our turkey outweighs my daughter by three pounds. Note that I spend stupid sums on turkey, because I eat it once or twice a year, when it's available. That 21 pound turkey cost me prime rib money and I'd pay half again for it.

Good luck, god speed, and remember - it's about the sharing.

* Pumpkin Yahoo is the red-neck trailer-trash slump casserole my uncle stumbled across, made once, and never thought about again. We made it one year… fifteen years ago - and I have been required to make it ever since. It's like crack. My friends line up for it.

- Make pumpkin pie filling like on the side of the can of Libby's Pumpkin or whatever - 2 pies worth

- Pour that shit in a greased cake pan

- Sprinkle a box of yellow cake mix on top (yes, dry)

- Top that shit with pecan bits (like, 3 bags)

- Top that shit with a melted stick of margarine (works with butter, too; my wife has a fatwah against margarine)

- Bake like it's pumpkin pie