Great post. I'm an only child. And often feel like I don't have anyone I can turn to for advice. A few of my friends are older than I am. By only a few years. So that doesn't really count most of the time.

The Older Brother, for me, is this mystical magical perfect being, because I've never had one, and can only conjure one up in my imagination. Seeing my other friends with older siblings grow up, I realised that they had a similar image of their siblings when they were younger and had to watch this image crumble and fall as they grew older, only to realise that their idols were human. But with that came a new kind of respect, something, I would argue, that is much better than blind faith.

And then there were those with shitty older brothers.

I think what so many of us are looking for is a cool head on firm shoulders, the man with a plan, the ideal older brother. And as with most idealisation, the reality doesn't compare to the dream, but holds within it far more beauty.

Sounds to me like you are a great older brother, though. Sorry I don't have an answer for you, but it takes strength to continuously strive to be a good older brother/person, and that strength usually helps you achieve great things, making large mountains ahead of you look like tine mole-hills once they are behind. And you might not have an older brother, but you always have friends who, even if awkward, will always be around when you wanna go get wasted and talk about Rome, football, women, whatever.

Best of luck. Hope you get past this.